It's dark in your mind but it's sunny outside. Your face is downcast but you are surrounded by laughter. There is some happy tool who keeps laughing at his own jokes yet you don't see the fun in them. You could hide behind the fact that you are used to British humor so the slapstick kind annoys you ,but at the very least you should crack a smile at the blundering buffoon in front of you. Everyone who looks at you sees a blank expression, it's almost like you are not there. You feel no stimulus , nothing at all makes you jump. One thing and only one thing makes you "feel". Feel your heart pounding, your palms sweaty and your muscles more energized. You feel more, alive, more in tune with the world. This one thing that can take different forms wakes you up, calms you down and excites you at the same time. What is it......I would call them mind altering substances but you would call them drugs. In this new life that we have created for ourselves you need some form of addiction to get by. Something that pumps into your brain and helps you escape from the drab existence that you are oh so not used to but have to go through.
The wind is beating against your window, the curtains fastened tightly but you can feel them resisting. You forgot to tighten the faucet before you jumped into bed so every drop sounds like a plastic cup being dropped on the floor over and over again. You haven't slept well in over three days and you don't know why. The books say you should read something, but whenever you do you don't put it down until you are on the last page. Its then 5 am and you have to be somewhere in 3 hours.
Drink some warm milk they said, you found yourself buying a 5 liter bottle at 2 am coz you ran out.
You sit up in bed and stare at the walls in the darkness. You can only hear the sound of your heart beating in a slow rhythm while outside every few minutes something breaks the silence. The mating calls of some cats in the neighborhood,a car speeding on the nearby road and one of your neighbors doing the heavy breathing.
Its been night after night of no sleep, I cant take this anymore. My vision is getting blurry, I cant seem to concentrate for long periods of time and my reasoning capacity has reached the level where a game of pacman feels like I am trying to balance chemical equations.
Its night again, my drive home is short but dangerous due to my current state. I drive slow enough to be able to pick out hazzards on the way for me to arrive alive.I get to the last turn towards my house and I dont think I can take another night of this insomnia. I haven't had a fix in over a week and the inability to sleep has me on edge. I turn around and head to the nearest mall, its not too far away and the feeling of anticipation gives me an adrenaline rush that heightens my senses. I can feel the road ahead of me and my thoughts and intentions are clear as day. I park the car in the basement and leave it to prepare for the long walk ahead of me. I don't need the car where I am going and nobody there wants any attention drawn to the place.
I walk quietly looking down for what seems like 30 minutes but would have actually been less than 10. My destination is quiet house at the end of a cul de sac only a few minutes from the mall. Those who come here know why and anyone else just walks right by it without a second thought. I pull out a card from my wallet that I have used more times than I could count and slide it through a magnetic reader strip right where the door bell should be, the gate automatically unlocks and I walk in. The house itself is a small 4 bedroom bungalow with a lawn that has seen better days, The house itself has a rough outward appearance, similar to the government houses of old. On the inside however, there are beautiful furnishings and people sitting on chairs and couches in different rooms. The people are here for the same reason I am, to escape. I briefly wave a hello to a familiar face and approach the patron. The conversation is brief and with no fuss. I hand over the money and he hands over what it is I want. My heart is racing now as I walk out through the lawn and out of the front door. Walking out into the open may not be the best of ideas especially with the small package quickly tucked behind my belt and under the shirt but I throw caution to the wind. Nothing is going to come between my rest tonight. I can feel my chest thumping now, sweat dripping down the small of my back. I think i ran the rest of the way back to the car without knowing it because not long after I was driving home.
The walk up the stairs to your door on any other day would be slow and somewhat reluctant, today i was leaping up the steps 3 at a time. I get to my door and it takes me 20 seconds longer to open my door as my hands are shaking. I drop everything right at the door after I shut it and sit down in-front of my coffee table. I pull the package out and lay it in front of me. My breath is heavy as I empty the contents onto the glass table, a ritual i have performed many times before. I whisper under my breath, Make me better...............
The wind is beating against your window, the curtains fastened tightly but you can feel them resisting. You forgot to tighten the faucet before you jumped into bed so every drop sounds like a plastic cup being dropped on the floor over and over again. You haven't slept well in over three days and you don't know why. The books say you should read something, but whenever you do you don't put it down until you are on the last page. Its then 5 am and you have to be somewhere in 3 hours.
Drink some warm milk they said, you found yourself buying a 5 liter bottle at 2 am coz you ran out.
You sit up in bed and stare at the walls in the darkness. You can only hear the sound of your heart beating in a slow rhythm while outside every few minutes something breaks the silence. The mating calls of some cats in the neighborhood,a car speeding on the nearby road and one of your neighbors doing the heavy breathing.
Its been night after night of no sleep, I cant take this anymore. My vision is getting blurry, I cant seem to concentrate for long periods of time and my reasoning capacity has reached the level where a game of pacman feels like I am trying to balance chemical equations.
Its night again, my drive home is short but dangerous due to my current state. I drive slow enough to be able to pick out hazzards on the way for me to arrive alive.I get to the last turn towards my house and I dont think I can take another night of this insomnia. I haven't had a fix in over a week and the inability to sleep has me on edge. I turn around and head to the nearest mall, its not too far away and the feeling of anticipation gives me an adrenaline rush that heightens my senses. I can feel the road ahead of me and my thoughts and intentions are clear as day. I park the car in the basement and leave it to prepare for the long walk ahead of me. I don't need the car where I am going and nobody there wants any attention drawn to the place.
I walk quietly looking down for what seems like 30 minutes but would have actually been less than 10. My destination is quiet house at the end of a cul de sac only a few minutes from the mall. Those who come here know why and anyone else just walks right by it without a second thought. I pull out a card from my wallet that I have used more times than I could count and slide it through a magnetic reader strip right where the door bell should be, the gate automatically unlocks and I walk in. The house itself is a small 4 bedroom bungalow with a lawn that has seen better days, The house itself has a rough outward appearance, similar to the government houses of old. On the inside however, there are beautiful furnishings and people sitting on chairs and couches in different rooms. The people are here for the same reason I am, to escape. I briefly wave a hello to a familiar face and approach the patron. The conversation is brief and with no fuss. I hand over the money and he hands over what it is I want. My heart is racing now as I walk out through the lawn and out of the front door. Walking out into the open may not be the best of ideas especially with the small package quickly tucked behind my belt and under the shirt but I throw caution to the wind. Nothing is going to come between my rest tonight. I can feel my chest thumping now, sweat dripping down the small of my back. I think i ran the rest of the way back to the car without knowing it because not long after I was driving home.
The walk up the stairs to your door on any other day would be slow and somewhat reluctant, today i was leaping up the steps 3 at a time. I get to my door and it takes me 20 seconds longer to open my door as my hands are shaking. I drop everything right at the door after I shut it and sit down in-front of my coffee table. I pull the package out and lay it in front of me. My breath is heavy as I empty the contents onto the glass table, a ritual i have performed many times before. I whisper under my breath, Make me better...............
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